Slow reads

How we bond

Attachment, dependence and ways of loving, without the jargon. Ideas from psychology to meet someone with more calm and better judgement.

  1. Start here · 2 minFinding love on an appNo photos, no swiping, no notifications. How this whole message-in-a-bottle business works, and why, who knows, maybe it’s here.
  2. Dating · 2 minGhosting: why you can’t get them out of your headYou talked every day and then, suddenly, silence. What ghosting is, why it hurts more than it should, and what a 1927 experiment has to do with that chat you keep checking.
  3. Dating · 2 minSituationship: why what has no name hooks you moreYou text every day, you meet up, there’s even jealousy… but you’re “not a thing”. What a situationship is, why it’s so addictive and what it has to do with limerence.
  4. Falling in love · 2 minDelulu: when idealising someone is good (and when it isn’t)Everyone says being delulu is bad. Relationship science says something more interesting: a little delulu makes couples happier. What delulu means and where the line is.
  5. Dating · 2 minBreadcrumbing: your crush works like a slot machineA like here, a “haha” there and never an actual plan. What breadcrumbing is, why it hooks you like a slot machine and why a Spanish study says it takes a bigger toll than ghosting.
  6. Affinity · 2 minSapiosexual: falling for a brain (but not just any brain)For some people, what attracts them first is how someone thinks. What being sapiosexual means, what the most-cited study on it found and why being a genius doesn’t make you more attractive.
  7. Dating · 2 minCuffing season: love or just central heating?The cold kicks in and suddenly everyone wants a partner. What cuffing season means, why it happens and how to tell if it’s love or just a craving for a blanket buddy.
  8. Affinity · 2 minDo opposites attract? Magnets, yes. People, not so muchIt’s every rom-com’s favourite myth. Science has been testing it for decades and the answer is different: what brings people together, and above all what lasts, is being alike in the things that matter.
  9. Falling in love · 2 minLimerence: it’s not love, it’s a loopYou think about them all day, your mood hangs on their texts and one dry reply ruins your afternoon. That has a name. What limerence is, how to spot it, limerence vs love, and how to break the loop.
  10. Dating · 2 minLove is Blind: does falling in love without seeing each other work?They meet without seeing each other, get engaged in days and married in weeks. Many couples don’t make it, but some are still together years later. What Netflix’s experiment tells us about getting to know someone blind.
  11. Affinity · 2 minRelationship non-negotiables: pineapple on pizza is negotiable, kids are notHaving a list of must-haves isn’t being picky, it’s saving time. What non-negotiables in a relationship are, which ones really matter and how to tell them apart from simple preferences.
  12. Dating · 2 minMonkey branching: never letting go of one branch until you’ve got the nextSome people won’t leave a relationship until the next one is locked in, like a monkey swinging from branch to branch. What monkey branching means, why it happens and what to do if it happens to you.
  13. Attachment · 6 minAttachment styles in couples: how each combination can workThere are no good or bad attachment styles, only couples who calm each other down or set each other off. What the research says about each combination, and how it shows up in a chat before the first date.
  14. Dating · 2 minCalm or chemistry: why we sometimes mistake anxiety for attractionSometimes we call the jitters of not knowing ‘chemistry’. Why the person who leaves you feeling calm might be exactly who you’re looking for, and how to tell one from the other.
  15. Letting go · 2 minNeeding or preferring: Walter Riso on detachment in relationshipsLetting go isn’t loving less or turning cold. It’s choosing someone without your wellbeing hanging entirely on them. An idea from Walter Riso, brought to first dates.
  16. Attachment · 2 minWhat a secure base is and how to recognise one in a partnerBowlby showed that we explore the world better when we know someone is there for us. In a relationship, that security shows in how someone responds, not in what they look like.