Affinity · 2 min
Do opposites attract? Magnets, yes. People, not so much
It’s every rom-com’s favourite myth. Science has been testing it for decades and the answer is different: what brings people together, and above all what lasts, is being alike in the things that matter.
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She’s tidy. He’s chaos. They hate each other in the first scene and get married in the last. On screen, it works. In real life, a lot less. So, do opposites attract?
What the science says
Psychologist Donn Byrne started studying it in the 60s and reached a conclusion that’s been repeated many times since: we’re drawn to people who think like us. The more attitudes and values we share, the stronger the attraction.
In 2008, Matthew Montoya and his team reviewed more than 300 studies on the topic, and similarity clearly won. In 2017, a team at the University of Kansas (Angela Bahns and colleagues) compared real couples and friendships across dozens of traits: they were almost always alike from the start. “Opposites” barely showed up.
Opposites attract in the movies. In real life, they get tired.
So why do we believe it?
- Because different is exciting at first. New things spark curiosity, and curiosity feels a lot like attraction.
- Because we mix up personality and values. One outgoing, one shy can work brilliantly. One wanting kids and the other not, much less so.
- Because we remember the exceptions. The unlikely couple that works gets talked about at every dinner. The hundred similar ones that work aren’t news.
Where being alike really pays off
You don’t need to like the same music. But it helps a lot to agree on what shapes a life: whether you want kids, how much space you need, where work and family fit in, how you deal with problems.
That’s why the number you see most on blind bottle is the affinity %: 50 questions about the things a photo never shows. Let your differences keep it fun. Let your affinity hold it together.