Dating · 2 min
Calm or chemistry: why we sometimes mistake anxiety for attraction
Sometimes we call the jitters of not knowing ‘chemistry’. Why the person who leaves you feeling calm might be exactly who you’re looking for, and how to tell one from the other.
· This is my message
Some dates leave your heart racing: you don’t know if they’ll message, if they liked you, if there’ll be another one. Others leave you with a strange sense of calm. Very often, without thinking about it, we choose the first kind.
The alarm that passes for a spark
In Attached, Levine and Heller explain that many people with an anxious style seem to need their attachment system switched on in order to fall for someone: no uncertainty, no spark. The trouble is that this uncertainty is usually stirred up by someone who isn’t fully available. And the calm of someone who is gets experienced as boredom.
What feels like chemistry may simply be the alarm of not knowing where you stand.
Not every emotion is an alarm, of course. First-date nerves are normal, and rather lovely. The difference lies in what happens afterwards: excitement leaves you wanting more; alarm leaves you checking your phone.
A simple test: how you’re left feeling
After talking to someone, notice what your body does over the next hour:
- Excitement: you remember something they said and smile. You can get on with your day.
- Alarm: you go back over the conversation looking for mistakes, read meaning into their silences or need a sign before you can settle.
If the second one is almost always what happens with the same person, the intensity isn’t telling you about them, but about the uncertainty they leave you with.
Three signs that calm is good news
- They do what they say. If they say they’ll message, they message. No guesswork needed.
- They tell you their plans. You know where you fit into their week without having to ask about everything.
- They talk about the two of you naturally. They can say ‘I have a great time with you’ without it sounding like a confession.
What to do if someone who treats you well bores you
Don’t beat yourself up: it’s a learned pattern, not a flaw, and it can change. A few practical ideas:
- Give it one more date than your gut wants to before writing off someone who treats you well. Attraction to someone who makes you feel calm can grow as you get to know each other.
- Ask yourself what exactly you’re missing. Is it the person who bores you, or do you miss the rollercoaster?
- Look for the thrill in what you do together, not in the doubt. Something new to try, a deep conversation or a trip away all bring excitement without any need for uncertainty.
On an app without photos, this shows early: people who reply consistently and say what they think stand out from the very first card. Give them a chance, even if they don’t set your pulse racing.