Delulu: when idealising someone is good (and when it isn’t)

You’ve already picked a name for your future dog and you’ve only talked twice. Relax: we’ve all been there.

What does delulu mean

Delulu is short for delusional: someone who makes up stories in their head. It started among k-pop fans convinced they’d end up dating their idol, then jumped into dating. Being delulu means imagining a love story that reality hasn’t confirmed yet. It even has a motto: delulu is the solulu.

The good part: couple delulu

Here’s the surprise. In 1996, psychologists Sandra Murray, John Holmes and Dale Griffin studied dating and married couples. The most satisfied ones saw their partner more positively than that person saw themselves. They called it positive illusions.

In other words: a bit of idealisation, inside a real relationship, isn’t silly. It’s part of what makes it work. You see the best in the other person, and they tend to live up to it.

The bad part: solo delulu

Here’s our take: the difference isn’t how much you idealise, but who.

• Couple delulu: you idealise someone you know, flaws included, who has chosen you too.
• Solo delulu: you idealise someone you barely know and fill the gaps with the best possible version. That’s no longer positive illusions: it looks a lot more like limerence.

Idealising someone you know brings you closer. Idealising someone you don’t gets you hooked.

What it looks like in a chat

• Them: “haha yeah”
• Your delulu brain: “They wrote haha. Two has. They’re obsessed with me.”
• Reality: they wrote haha.

How to keep the right dose

• Split what you know from what you imagine. Two columns, even if only in your head.
• Feed your delulu with real facts: meet up, talk, get to know each other.
• Save the good delulu for someone who earns it. Once someone has chosen you, seeing them through kind eyes helps.

First, how they think. Then, maybe, the dog’s name.