Limerence: it’s not love, it’s a loop

If you check their “last seen” more than your inbox, this one’s for you.

What is limerence

The word was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979, in her book Love and Limerence. It describes an obsessive, involuntary infatuation: you don’t choose to think about that person, you just can’t stop. It’s not a diagnosis, it’s a very common experience. And it looks so much like love that it’s easy to mix them up.

Five signs you’re in the loop

• Intrusive thoughts. They pop into your head uninvited, several times an hour.
• Your mood depends on what they do. One emoji sends you flying. One “ok” sinks you.
• You need to know it’s mutual. More than being with them, you need them to confirm they like you.
• Doubt sets it off. The less clear things are, the more you think about them.
• You idealise them. Their flaws look like quirks, or you don’t see them at all.

Love wants to get to know the other person. Limerence wants a reply.

Limerence vs love: the difference

Love rests on what you know about the other person. Limerence feeds on what you don’t know: gaps your mind fills with the best possible version. That’s why it grows with uncertainty and fades when reality shows up, for better (it turns into love) or for worse (it deflates). Tennov estimated it usually lasts between a year and a half and three years.

How to break the loop

• Cut the fuel. Fewer stories, less rereading chats, less checking their profile.
• Ask for clarity. One straight conversation is worth more than a hundred signals you’ve decoded.
• Fill the gap with reality. Really getting to know someone, flaws included, is the best antidote to idealising.
• Get help if it’s too much. If it’s costing you sleep or taking over your life, talking to a professional helps a lot.

Getting to know someone for what they think, not for a photo your mind dresses up, is a good way to fall for a person and not for an idea.