Situationship: why what has no name hooks you more

Not friends, not a couple, not a one-off. A “something” that’s been going on for months. If that rings a bell, keep reading.

What is a situationship

It’s a relationship with no label and no agreement: there are plans, trust and sometimes even a toothbrush at their place, but nobody has said what you are or where it’s going. The word blends situation and relationship. It’s not the same as an open relationship: that has an agreement. This has fog.

The perfect limerence factory

In 1979, psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the word limerence for that obsessive infatuation where you can’t stop thinking about someone. And she noticed it needs one thing to exist: uncertainty. Without the “do they like me or not?”, limerence either turns into love or fizzles out.

Now think about a situationship. It’s a doubt-making machine: one day it looks like a yes, the next like a no, and a clear answer never comes. Here’s our take: what hooks you isn’t so much the person as the “maybe”.

What has no name takes up more room in your head than what does.

That’s why a three-month situationship can hurt more than a two-year relationship: you live it with the doubt turned all the way up.

Signs you’re in one

You don’t know what to say when someone asks “so what is that?”.
Plans are last-minute, almost never two weeks ahead.
Some topics are off-limits: the future, their friends, “us”.
Your mood depends on how long they take to reply.

How to get out of the fog

Ask the question. “What are we?” is scary, but it’s a question, not an exam.
Listen to the answer, not to what you want to hear. “I don’t do labels” almost never means “give me time”.
Decide with facts. If you want something the other person doesn’t, the doubt won’t get better with time.
Heads-up: some people are genuinely happy without a label. The problem isn’t the label, it’s when only one of you is comfortable without it.

Knowing from the start what each of you is looking for is the fastest way to keep the fog away.