Falling in love · 2 min
Love bombing: when too much, too soon, is a warning sign
Texts around the clock, gifts and “I’ve never felt like this” on the third date. What love bombing is, how to tell it apart from a real crush and what research has found.
· This is my message
Third date. They’ve already told you you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them, planned a trip for the two of you and texted you “good morning” every day at 7:02. Lovely. Or is it?
What is love bombing
It’s flooding someone with attention, compliments and promises very early on to hook them fast. The term started being used in the seventies to describe how some cults drew in new members with affection. Today it’s used in dating, and it’s not always a Machiavellian plan: sometimes it’s just someone going a hundred miles an hour.
What research has found
In 2017, Claire Strutzenberg and her team at the University of Arkansas published the first study to measure love bombing in young adults. Those who did it most tended to score higher on narcissistic traits and insecure attachment, and lower on self-esteem.
One caveat: it was a single sample of students, and the study shows associations, not causes. Take it as a clue, not a law.
Here’s our take
The difference between a real crush and love bombing isn’t the intensity, it’s what happens when you set a boundary. Someone who’s fallen for you respects a “let’s slow down”. Someone love bombing you gets offended, pushes, or suddenly goes cold.
Intensity doesn’t measure love. It measures hurry.
What it looks like in a chat
- Them: “I’ve never connected with anyone like this. Come to Lisbon with me this weekend?”
- You: “I love that, but I’d rather take it slow.”
- Them: “Fine. I can see you don’t feel the same.”
How to turn the volume down
- Set a small boundary and see what happens. How they react to “I can’t today” says a lot.
- Look at facts, not promises. A trip planned in the first week is a promise. Showing up when they said they would is a fact.
- Don’t use intensity as a thermometer. Fast doesn’t mean good.
- If you’re the one going a hundred miles an hour: there’s nothing wrong with being keen. But leave room for the other person to choose too.
That’s why everything here goes step by step: affinity first, then cards, and the chat only opens if you both approve it. You set the pace together.