Benching: when you’re plan B (and how to tell)

You haven’t met up in three weeks. But every few days there’s a “how’s it going?” or a like on a story. Just enough to keep you from leaving. Never enough to meet up.

What is benching

Benching comes from bench, as in the substitutes’ bench. It’s keeping someone in reserve: you don’t say no, but you don’t say yes either. You keep them warmed up, like a sub, in case the first choice falls through. It looks a lot like breadcrumbing (the crumbs), but here the key is that there’s another, preferred option.

What research says

In 2014, Jayson Dibble and Michelle Drouin asked 374 young adults about their back burners: people they kept in touch with “just in case”. Keeping someone on the back burner through texts and social media was very common, and men reported having more.

The curious part: among those in a relationship, having back burners wasn’t linked to lower commitment to their partner. In other words, leaving the door ajar seems to be almost a habit.

Here’s our take

If benching is that normal, the question isn’t whether people do it, but whether it’s being done to you. And you see that in the plans, not the messages.

If there’s never a plan, you’re the plan. The backup one.

What it looks like in a chat

• Them: “It’s been ages! We have to meet up.”
• You: “Yes! Thursday?”
• Them: “Ugh, this week’s impossible. I’ll let you know.” (They don’t.)

How to get off the bench

• Suggest something specific. Day and time. Someone who’s interested finds a gap; someone keeping you in reserve finds an excuse.
• Count plans, not messages. Ten “how’s it going?” texts don’t add up to one date.
• Write the ending yourself. “I’d like to meet up; if you don’t, no problem.” And move on.
• And if you’re the one with someone on the back burner: tell them the truth. Waiting on a bench is more tiring than a no.

There’s no bench here: if someone doesn’t want to carry on, the conversation goes on pause. No crumbs and no “I’ll let you know”.